The Windbag Conference

Have you ever had a patient who just couldn't understand your instructions? No matter how articulate you were, they were still confused. Even if you put something in writing they still didn't understand. We've all had patients unable to grasp the most benign orders, no matter how they were presented or how often. A little frustrating but you learn to live with it.

After reading a recent column by a superduper straight (SDS) in "DC", I felt the same frustration. How many times can you tell someone that you don't care what their philosophy is as long as they don't try to force it on someone else?

Let's go over it again: The mixer philosophy is quite simple; everyone should be exposed through instruction to whatever is legally allowed by the majority of the licensing jurisdictions. What's wrong with that? Since over half of the graduates from the super straight "seminaries" eventually opt to expand the therapeutic base of their practices, doesn't it make sense that they should be properly prepared for such a possible circumstance? This doesn't force anyone to practice anyway but the way they feel is correct, but it does indeed force them to be prepared for the possibilities of the future which is the duty of any institution of higher learning.

One must ask what some of our resident philosophical nuts are so frightened about. If their philosophy were so sound, then it should survive and flourish. To deny an even cursory exposure to anything not reinforcing a philosophical dogma is a total denial of academic freedom and reason, and if I were a student at one of the super schools I'd seriously question the quality of instruction and the wisdom of attending such an institution.

You see, I believe in the intelligence of the students in our schools. In most cases they achieved acceptable academic levels in college before being allowed to matriculate to a chiropractic school. They have earned the right to a fully dimensional education, not some philosophical fanaticism espoused by frightened simpletons.

My desire for philosophical freedom extends beyond the classroom and into the treatment rooms of our private practices. This is why I sometimes cringe at the thought of "conferences" where a group of chiropractic elite gather to decide how I, as a chiropractic physician, must think and practice. The Mercy Center Conference was different since it encouraged a broad spectrum of ideas from all types of chiropractic philosophy. Some of the participants were individuals I greatly admire, while others were people I professionally detest -- certainly a broad spectrum. Broad enough to satisfy all manner and degree of chiropractic philosophy. Or so I thought.

It's not that we don't have enough dissension within the profession as it stands. No, the nuts have decided that they must hold their own convention. For want of a better name, I've chosen to call it the "Windbag Conference." Think about this for a minute. Since these people already know and agree with everything their comrades espouse, what are they going to sit around and discuss except more ways to disrupt the legislative process by testifying that real chiropracTORS aren't qualified to do anything but analyze and adjust?

If I were a crack in the plaster of a wall at the "Windbag Conference," I might very likely hear the following:

Conference Chairman: Okay, let's get started. What'll we talk about?

Member #1: Sure is a nice place, isn't it?

CC: Yeah. Do you like your room?

Dr. Perry Humbug: Wait a minute. We're holding this thing because we weren't invited to the Mercy Conference. We're mad as hell and we're not going to take it anymore.

CC: That's right. I'm mad too. Now what?

PH: Well, I -- well let's -- let's talk about straight chiropractic.

(Silence)

Member #2: Like what?

PH: Like -- well, it's great to be a straight chiropractor. Right?

"Right," says everyone.

PH: And -- and B.J. sure knew what he was talking about. Right?

"Right," says everyone -- then a silence.

CC: I want to thank Dr. Humbug for his wonderful talk.

M #1: Where's the bathroom?

CC: Down the hall and to the right. Now let's talk about our guidelines.

M #2: For what?

CC: For what we do.

M #2: Oh well, I vote that we do nothing but adjust the spine.

CC: Is that a motion?

M #2: Yeah, I guess so.

PH: I second the motion.

CC: All those in favor say "aye." Opposed? The ayes have it.

PH: Boy I'm glad that's over.

CC: Okay, who wants to write a report on the conference so far?

PH: I'll do it! I'll do it! They said there wasn't much point to the conference, but we'll show em.

CC: Now calm down Dr. Humbug.

PH: See? See? We voted that chiropractors should adjust! See see see? We'll show em. They can't ignore me -- I mean us. Boy wait'll I write this up.

CC: Dr. Humbug, you'll have to stop dancing around the hall. You're acting like a fool.

PH: I don't care! They said that there wasn't any point to the Windbag Conference, but I showed 'em. After a struggle and much debate we've decided chiropractors should adjust. That'll show 'em! They can't ignore me anymore!

M #1: (Returning from the bathroom) What did I miss?

M #2: A vigorous debate about what chiropractors should do and we decided straight chiropractors should adjust the bones of the spine.

M #1: Wow! And I missed the chance to vote.

M #2: And you missed Dr. Humbug's dance of victory and ode to the adjustment.

CC: Did security take Dr. Humbug to his room? Good. We don't want him hurting anyone. Before I adjourn the meeting, does anyone know a good place to eat?

So much for the "history making" -- you can't ignore me, Windbag Conference. Just one more egregious act of professional treason by a group of self-serving individuals bent on destroying all that don't agree with them -- no matter what the cost. Such pervasive ego is pretty costly -- let's pray the rest of us don't have to pay the price.

RHT